Intended Wishes

Quietly - while my natural inclination is to emote - I shall softly say, a very Happy Birthday, my friend. In the life we led together not so very long ago, you and I, we would have been singing at the top of our lungs. Our feet would've been high heeled and dancing. Bubbly sips, or two, or three woulda been upon our painted lips. That life was boisterous, undaunted and based in joyous pleasures. I wish so very much that we were honoring your years in this same way tonight.

Intentions are good things. I intended to call you up and ever so gently remind you that you've got a friend that is thinking of you. I intended to give whispered wishes.  The phone went unanswered. I considered that it was possibly best this way. With all that you've endured, did you really want to hear from me?  Me, the person that would've clamored to celebrate to the nth degree...... Possibly you'd like just to forget that more time has passed. Really, who of us wouldn't at times? It's not that your DAY isn't a happy one. It's not that I don't want to hear your voice. Unsure of what today might mean to you; will it boldly step on your spirit?

In times of different circumstance, I would have come to visit.  In my vision we'd sit on the sofa and chat and laugh. This is what we can still share. Simple and true. Friendship. Without all of the bells and whistles. Love that comes from years of shared experiences. Nothing can take this from us!

So, I've tried not to make too much of your Birthday, so as not to wreak havoc on any demons. If I must, I will quietly, alone, whisper to you -

THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!

Weary

What would it be like to have a life less abundant ? If the morning sun didn't seem to shine on your face any longer? How empty might my soul feel if I couldn't wander as I do; each day abundant in so many ways; like  one never ending picnic? Simply put - I WOULDN'T BE ME !

The freedoms that I talked about in my 4th of July post weren't merely written because of the holiday. I truly do cherish my life and the blessed way I'm allowed to live. If a day came and suddenly all doors were closed - if I could no longer walk, hike, bike, dance, shop, drive..... would I sit in shock, staring at the four walls and dream of what I was missing outside?

When the seasons come and go and trees change from bare and twiggy to green canopies; and onto flowering and fruiting ... as flowers sprout, gain fragrance, lose petals as they age - If I were unable to witness this divinity, might I wither and die? At the least a piece of my heart would crumple.

Should there be a time that birdsong, recorded music, film, written words give no pleasure to my senses - then I do know that I must be truly weary of life. For these pleasures are all mine for the taking, for the using for their utter SIGNIFICANCE to happiness!!

How might someone live without these examples? Well, I can tell you how they live..... NOT WELL! Also not as life should be experienced. There is someone very dear to me that has this sort of existence. As I listen, her voice is a whisper, yet her tone so very heavy. The hope for life's pleasures is yearned for..... but, beyond grasp. The closed doors are there for her, and most times there is not a key. The color, texture and noise of the world are often times now only seen through glass. HELL must look this way, I'm thinking.

Does she feel she's slowly sinking, circling.... down, down... melting towards the ground....?  Yes, I am visualizing..."what a world, what a world"... Drama and dark thoughts for this writing...

If only there were someone, some THING to pluck her from these depths.....

Hang in there, Love! Surely sunlight will cast it's glow on your freckled cheeks one morning very soon!

Such Is Life...

The ups and downs. The extremes, both good and bad. The sweetness in life and the bittersweet also. This is how life happens for each of us. Yes, it is a wonderful world because of and despite these occurrences.

I spent some time with a friend today as she waited to hear how her Mother was fairing during open heart surgery. Tense and anxious were the emotions in the room; levity in the form of jigsaw puzzles helped ease these.

FAMILY - always! ... Will forever be...

 As of now it is post-surgery and recovery will be a long haul. Extremes did happen here - from feeling utterly frightened - to cautiously optimistic. And such goodness also, that this family be gathered together again.

Tomorrow morning a very happy and special meeting will take place. A long time due and dreamt oft!
That beautiful friend of mine (with challenges aplenty) has overcome many obstacles to come to a point of good health and life restored. The plan is to meet midway betwixt our homes - 3 of us - again! Our faces have not smiled at one another for months. Laughter and chatter will rattle peoples eardrums, I'm sure! I am so very proud of her accomplishments. I feel much more assured at this sustained wellness. There is an actual sensation of fullness in my heart....  swelling.... gratitude! Her life has been saved. It is a wonderful world! I have the opportunity to glimpse into the eyes of what feels like a long-lost-friend... she really was not... yet there we will be seated side-by-side sharing our stories as if nothing has changed!  And truly so much has changed and still so much is the same!  The wonder of life...

Goodbyes...

Annual tradition has Hubby leaving town for Super Bowl weekend. In most cases, he and the guys head to a place filled with wine, women & song... nah that's an old poem, right?? The guys head to a place of fast cars, fast women & fast money...  Nope, not that either! My Hubby and his pals usually go anywhere with gaming, beer and THE BIGGEST TVs THIS SIDE OF TEXAS!!  Yep, they do! Well, maybe some of the women scenarios fit into that category too.  HA!   Viewing of the big game alternates usually between Las Vegas or Lake Tahoe. Somehow they find themselves in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico this time around.  hhhmmmm....
what's that got to do with U.S. football? I'm just sayin....
I made the trek to San Francisco International and left them at Departures. We said our goodbyes curbside. I had a smile on my face and felt glad to know he had a song in his heart and money burning a hole in his pocket! A nice happy parting.

 Bon Voyage, Adios, Arrivaderci, Adieu....  so many ways to say goodbye. I'm wondering how the term came to be??  It seems to me that saying farewells isn't always good.  There are the fond ones as I had at the airport, and others like the first one I had this morning....

My friend... ya know, the one I don't name. She's the happy, fun person who is no longer either of these. I spoke of her awhile back. The phone rang as we were walking out the door to the airport. Says she - "I can't do this any longer. I don't have the energy. It's too hard". I luckily know that she's been re-hospitalized. This makes my terror soften slightly, as I know she can't get out nor can she do harm. She is saying her goodbyes to me. Says she - "remember I was your friend; you were one of my best". These are words that hit hard. This kind of leaving is not kind, gentle or wanted. The meaning for this cannot be goodbye... for how is it in any way good?? In the end, all that I could do was offer sweetness (maybe meaningless?) and light. Explaining away her feelings, negating her truths. Says I - "you've been doing so well. you will again", "you can't leave everyone that loves you".  yadda yadda yadda.... In the grand scheme of things will anything I said matter?? I'm not sure that I'll ever know.

However, I do know that I WILL NOT SAY GOODBYE to her....

No Playland at the Beach

Roller coasters have a jolting, sudden start; then peaks & valleys until they coast to an end - usually with much anticipation and relief. My friend has been on a roller coaster that she didn't choose to ride. This has been her life with an illness for the last 7 months.

No single specific thing has prevented me from writing about this illness. Rather, it's been because of unspoken rules. The belief that she will be considered something less. She's battling a form of mental illness and it has wielded it's wrath mightily. The way I feel justified in posting about her now is this - she has from DAY ONE claimed that there should be no secrets about this. She hoped not to feel ashamed because she had not done this to herself - the illness found her. Unfortunately the illness hasn't left either.

Shall I go into the whole long history or just make mention of the fact that this lovely woman is suffering?
In the start I bought her a journal. My idea was that writing her thoughts could possibly help her. And even further I insisted that when all was said and done that maybe her journal could become a book and she could help other victims. She never once agreed on this point! Ya never know though!! So, does her beautiful pink
Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake booklet sit on her nightstand empty? Probably does and maybe then the story is left for me to tell.....

The people that know her will realize of whom I speaking, and all others shan't because I won't name her. Evidently we have a prejudice toward people with mental difficulties. I don't wish to harm her further. Still - No Secrets!

At the start of summer evidence pointed at the very least to anxiety and the exaggerated need to make merry and leave life behind. There had been a traumatic event in her family life last Fall.  Calendar pages turned and along the months her body still couldn't cope with the trauma. Mix this with mid-life hormones and general life obstacles and the cocktail was starting to become deadly. She is highly educated and well aware; she knew to seek medical attention when she was so depressed that daily life was a chore.

My friend's diagnosis is PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with a side of depression and a big dose of anxiety. Of course medicinal therapy was the first route. The roller coaster had left the platform. Her symptoms increased. She was told to wait it out until the drugs could take effect. There was a break with reality. A nervous breakdown is the outdated term. The list of details so lengthy I won't go there.

Hospitalizations became commonplace; Medical Units that only her husband could visit. The light at the end of the tunnel kept receding. Our friendship and that of her entire core group was threatened. She asked me to be the messenger of a goodbye note. Frequently, she planned escapes and mentioned her want to live a different existence - either on the streets - or not at all! One evening when she called I knew she was not in the home where she had been placed. After calling her husband, myself and my kind hubby got clothed and headed out to search for her in a city miles away from here. The police located her.

Still more situations and treatment. Some changes began to happen. In the last month I have actually had hope. Her life is not completely her old one, yet much improved to it's worst. Then I spoke with her a few days ago. Her voice was different; not the clear lilting one. Today she says "I've gone backward a few steps". Says I -"but.. you're not having those thoughts again, right?" I cannot fathom that to be true!

To have someone you love be taken to the depths of despair truly hurts. I can only love her and wait for her roller coaster to climb to the top again. From there I'd like to ride along beside her. Smooth coasting. A train of cars behind us filled with smiling faces and arms waving.