Friday, April 25, 2014

January 11th

It's come to down to this... the telling of what January will forever represent to me.  Possibly there will come a time that the start of a new year will mean what it does for most folks. It may hold promise and, like I said in this post {click here}...just imagine the possibilities a new year can present. Wonder how long it will take for me to imagine good possibilities?

We were with my brother & wife to finally get me up to speed with technology.  A smart phone was coming home with me on that day. Lessons needed to be given on oh so many applications and uses. So, off we went to brother's home for some lunch and tutoring. We thought ahead and invited our niece to lunch for her 30th birthday party planning. And, sometime in the early evening we left our small gathering of family - quite sated in food, learning, and the smugness of getting event details in writing.

January elevenths evening hours were cool.  There was quiet at home, as I sat on the couch bundled in my white chunky weave blanket, inspecting the new contraption; adding contacts and apps. While I'm writing this it feels as though there should be a drum roll, or an eerily piercing movie soundtrack playing.... well, because this is dramatic.  I tend toward the big punctuation!!!, the LARGE telling of a story with big emphasis toward the punch line. This particular story needs emphasis on the ending. I need to tell it, in all it's BIGNESS, because in my heart this day was as dramatic as they come. So then... here is where a song plays and I begin to cry...

My Dad is calling me - a sure sign that there is an emergency - he's not the one to phone, my Mom is the communicator. Words fly back and forth. I'm not certain that he is correct in his observations.. my brain won't let me believe that the sentence he's forcing upon me is certain. The one thought that I cling to is that my Mom is getting help, that those talented EMT's will get her to safety. "NO, Dad, it's okay, she'll be okay. I'm leaving right now. I'll be there as soon as I can."

By nightfall we're on our way through the dark to their place in the pines. That new technology a lifesaver in our car as we travel hours down freeways. Hubby texting, returning calls, speaking for me, reaching family who need to be told. My focus on the white lines, my hands heavily clutching the wheel - I yell intermittently in response to questions being thrown my way, as I am unable to hear all that is being said... and well, because I'm mad!

Anyone that has experienced hospital scenes with a loved one in an emergent situation knows precisely where I will take you next. Except, I won't take you there... far too personal!

We were all there, crammed in the tiny curtained room; she was no longer with us. All hopes dashed. In the early morning hours of January 12th the woman that gave me life, left her earthly one behind.

It feels as if I've only placed facts and time lines in this post. My emotions are strained... I haven't quite felt myself, and I'm running on energy from who-knows-where.  Possibly the energy will get me to the next phase of journaling about this life changing event....


  1. it will come, when the time is right words mixed with tears, smiles and memories will come and it will be a salve to your soul, you will have found your way through the darkness my friend.