What Becomes of Life Now?

 

 

 

As it seems that I have done for the last few months, I'm replaying history - like the movie plot that gets us all confused and bewildered, wondering if this scene is in the present tense, or rather a piece of memory? Each time I've written since January (aside from the gardening posts),  I am sending readers back into time. I recently posted a very sad, still fresh, harsh reality - my mother no longer exists.

poem read at her Celebration of Life

What now? Is there a certain way to live ... sans mother... a tried and true method that will help me to plod through all of this? I was given a gift of 55 years loved by a woman that was but a child herself when I was born. She loved me with every piece of her soul - she was more than happy to express her unbridled affection for me - her only daughter. Her lovingly exclaimed ~ "MY GIRL"
a frequent nickname for me.

Surprised at myself, quite honestly, that there is not horrible, wrecked, visible emotion at every turn. I have always been quick to cry, palpably emotional, touched and teary by even the merest of incidents. Yet, it feels to me that I am .... holding onto something? holding back? holding on for dear life? waiting for the other shoe to drop? For the life of me I cannot figure it out.

There is still the other 50% that makes me whole, to think about - my Dad. That man, so strong - and sturdy too, at most times. He had a break in his solidness just after my Mom's passing. He really got sick and it was quite difficult to watch. We hardly knew what to do for him. Off we were to emergency rooms (again, uugghhh) and doctors. He came through and has delighted each of us - his children - with his complete willingness to accept all of the "newness" of this lousy situation.

Many weeks at the beginning months of this year were spent with me traveling back and forth to his home in the pines, and living out a week here, a week there. My brothers playing back-up on weekends doing their faithful & loving duties.

Thus is my slice of abundance for the time being. So much of the time with my Dad a pleasure. Time that frankly was not often spent previously; alone with just him. As Mom and I would scoot off to browse antique shops and lunch, and be girls together - taking up most of the precious moments we spent, just we two.  Not that he much minded... we still had loads of family time with the whole crew!

Lo and behold, amidst the sadness and traveling there was fun and beauty also. I took brief moments here and there to truck off with my camera, possibly with Dad's dog, sometimes with heaviness in my heart, and other times with joy at the simplest of things. I took many a backroad and country lane, once in snow and oft alone. There were jaunts with Dad to places that mattered to us - a part of our family's past - to the town where he was born, a place I left my heart many, many years ago. We had visits with his only living sister and lunch at a funky diner with his great-niece!

There is still abundant joy to be had - in spite of the life we now have....
The abundance not always in the form I would love....

January 11th

It's come to down to this... the telling of what January will forever represent to me.  Possibly there will come a time that the start of a new year will mean what it does for most folks. It may hold promise and, like I said in this post {click here}...just imagine the possibilities a new year can present. Wonder how long it will take for me to imagine good possibilities?

We were with my brother & wife to finally get me up to speed with technology.  A smart phone was coming home with me on that day. Lessons needed to be given on oh so many applications and uses. So, off we went to brother's home for some lunch and tutoring. We thought ahead and invited our niece to lunch for her 30th birthday party planning. And, sometime in the early evening we left our small gathering of family - quite sated in food, learning, and the smugness of getting event details in writing.


January elevenths evening hours were cool.  There was quiet at home, as I sat on the couch bundled in my white chunky weave blanket, inspecting the new contraption; adding contacts and apps. While I'm writing this it feels as though there should be a drum roll, or an eerily piercing movie soundtrack playing.... well, because this is dramatic.  I tend toward the big punctuation!!!, the LARGE telling of a story with big emphasis toward the punch line. This particular story needs emphasis on the ending. I need to tell it, in all it's BIGNESS, because in my heart this day was as dramatic as they come. So then... here is where a song plays and I begin to cry...

My Dad is calling me - a sure sign that there is an emergency - he's not the one to phone, my Mom is the communicator. Words fly back and forth. I'm not certain that he is correct in his observations.. my brain won't let me believe that the sentence he's forcing upon me is certain. The one thought that I cling to is that my Mom is getting help, that those talented EMT's will get her to safety. "NO, Dad, it's okay, she'll be okay. I'm leaving right now. I'll be there as soon as I can."

By nightfall we're on our way through the dark to their place in the pines. That new technology a lifesaver in our car as we travel hours down freeways. Hubby texting, returning calls, speaking for me, reaching family who need to be told. My focus on the white lines, my hands heavily clutching the wheel - I yell intermittently in response to questions being thrown my way, as I am unable to hear all that is being said... and well, because I'm mad!


Anyone that has experienced hospital scenes with a loved one in an emergent situation knows precisely where I will take you next. Except, I won't take you there... far too personal!

We were all there, crammed in the tiny curtained room; she was no longer with us. All hopes dashed. In the early morning hours of January 12th the woman that gave me life, left her earthly one behind.

It feels as if I've only placed facts and time lines in this post. My emotions are strained... I haven't quite felt myself, and I'm running on energy from who-knows-where.  Possibly the energy will get me to the next phase of journaling about this life changing event....

An Ending and A New Beginning

This time traveling I'm doing gets exhausting. Attempting to keep memories in order, and true. Like, "I did do that, didn't I?"... We were laughing, happy and unknowingly keeping memories to heart, right? Jumbled, foggy thoughts are friends of mine lately. But, here? now? I can mostly keep track of time by the photos that I savor.

Back a few journal entries, I shared a family party that was held for my sister-in-law, nearly in lieu of Christmas - as the entire family was present that evening - and we were going separate ways for December 25th.

I went the email route for sending good tidings and embracing the coming New Year... memories of the abundant life I share with my Hubby ~

Traditional Christmas it WASN'T this year (similar to Thanksgiving). A portrait with Santa was about as traditional as we got - albeit this Santa was my brother-in-law.

Always and forever Christmas Eve is with Hubby's family.  Gift giving and opening takes on an entirely different  joy when there are children in the room. It makes me happy to have our nephew and his family grow to include two young ones. Our great nephew is like a bouncy ball that hops from plaything to not-so-plaything while smiling, laughing, and singing his ABC's. We don't share photos of these beautiful beings... unfortunately....

my kitchen in December

Brother #1 celebrated endured Christmas in Southern California, as his mother-in-law passed away. Brother #2 was content at home with his family for Christmas and had to work.
Brother #3was dutiful and kind sharing Christmas day with other family.
And, my parents were home, at their place in the woods. They made plans with friends for holiday dinner, yet my Mom was still not feeling well. That flu bug was hanging onto her.

Yes, quite separated we were and equally as nontraditional.

Off to the beach on a whim, because of the niceties from my Goat Hill boss...  Hubby & I would dig toes in the sand and watch sunsets for Christmas.

even the bird came along

Sunshine filled perfection!!


2013 coming to an end - we headed back home. A small celebratory evening with friends to welcome all that the beginning of a new year can mean... resolutions - maybe, dreams - surely, hope for a year of abundant joy and magnificent memory making ALWAYS! Isn't that the truth for each of us? That we have eternal hope each and every time the calendar reads January 1st? Life is all about the beauty of sunshine perfection, isn't it? Otherwise it would be hard to rise each morning. Who of us would sit and ponder dreadfulness? Not on my watch, anyway! Eternal optimist (mostly), that is me.


Let us celebrate a HAPPY New Year ~

art on our fridge for incoming 2014

Try as I might,  I cannot come up with a clear picture in my head of the first week in January. A lot of vague recollections. Checking my calendar, there are entries about the 3rd, 4th, 5th being spent in Los Angeles, and San Francisco at funerals. Deaths that needed to be acknowledged, loved ones that needed support.


Very soon after, acknowledgement, love and support would be needed to heal my heart. The art I chalked on the refrigerator said IMAGINE.... but, imagine what exactly? Thinking sunshine, I got rain...

Back in Time...

Time travel with me.  There was a brief little mention of Christmas once on December 23rd.... then when last I wrote, we were in more current time. Happy thoughts I intentionally put to paper, as I recall I mentioned. Instead of heading straight to some sad times. I'll head back to winter, now that I feel I can relive the harsh realities of life. It will take a couple of storylines to get to where I stand today, but progress is being made...


Quirky Thanksgiving plans, beach, crab and dinner (not made at home) was shared with my parents in their mountain home.

crab to bring to my parents for Thanksgiving



just the 4 of us - Hubby, me & my parents

 December jumped on the coat tail of fall, and the Christmas celebrating extravaganza was begun.  Joy is counted in pleasurable moments. A favorite tradition of mine is a Christmas party with girlfriends of some 35 years. That amazingly beautiful group of women from San Francisco whom I speak of now and again.Time with these gals is intentionally carved out and anticipated. It is a great jump-start to holiday events for reminiscing and ending another year.


For the second time, we chose the glorious, stately, historic Fairmont Hotel to stay for the night and stage an ornament exchange party. {25 years of ornaments makes quite a collection}...

Of all times to be ill!  While it doesn't seem so in the photo above ^ . I was coughing half my lung at this point. I even took the precaution of seeing my doctor prior to heading to San Francisco. Alas, ill I was, and even though prescription drugs were packed inside my satchel, the flu bug-du jour of the season, had struck. I had a great time though! Just on the return to regular life did I have a problem.

This winter, many folks seemed to have a harder than normal time with coughs, cold and the flu. I won't go all Center of Disease Control on you, but statistics were high! I ended up in the Emergency Room in order to breathe. Never before had I needed an asthma inhaler. An asthma patient to whom I'm closely related was to have an exceptionally hard time during December.... my Mom.

If I may, the time-travel-train is going to stop here. I've broached the subject that is coming...
With more days spread between me and the winter, spring is fluttering it's beauty in my face, and I look forward to the cathartic release of taking thoughts, spreading them on these pages, and releasing them to the breeze. More tales, trips, trial and tribulations soon....

Gathered

How could we know? There is no crystal ball to give us future insight. We love, and live, and do as we do routinely... all the time hoping for continuance.... all the while taking advantage of the years that pass.

As a family, our gatherings take place pretty frequently. There is always some special event to celebrate, and some greatly loved person to place in a spotlight. How could we know this fete would later hold a particular reminiscence? Nary a hint from the party-prop tarot cards.

Christmas, was in fact, going to take a back seat to the celebration of our Colette, my sister-in-law. Themes and planning, decorations and menus had been written in emails, laughed about in phone calls and shopped for with enthusiasm. A casbah rather than a Christmas tree this year.

We gathered, my family and our friends, as we would have soon for the holidays, instead for a fiftieth birthday. The house bedecked in a riot of color. A tent raised in our best effort to emulate a Moroccan hookah lounge. Tunes rang out. Noise bounced from indoors to a fire on the cold wintry patio. There was dancing - first in heels, and then in later hours with barefeet. A friend attempted to lift my Mom from the sofa and carry her to dance... oh, the laughs that got! Mom nearly peed her pants. Hilarity a constant with the particular dear friend that sought Mom's dance turn. Her love for him and his partner forever a part of our family's lore.



Faces of so many that we hadn't seen for a time. Smiles to engage. Kisses to be exchanged with a cousin whom we swear to see more often, yet never quite bridge our calendars. History to be rehashed and remembered with the honorary "fourth son" and his family. Much fawning of the young and beautiful in their club-style attire. Celebration of life in all forms on this night!

Gathered together and our joys shared  - then, come morning - each of us went back to our homes and routines, until the next time we bask in an other's special gloriousness. Fully confident that this next gathering will come.....  as it always has ~

 

 

 

 

 

Ode to Mom

Facts about my Mother ~

My Mother was born and raised in California, the second of only two children. She's now the only member of her small family that is alive.
She is a fair skinned, light eyed English woman. She resembles her Mom remarkably.
She married at a very young age. She completed high school with a different last name.
She gave birth to four children. I am her only daughter. I AM HER GIRL. She calls me this whenever she phones.
She had two boys in quick succession. Another boy was born many years later.
She is a wife, a homemaker, a mother, a shopkeeper, a pet gatherer.

Funny to list plain and simple facts about her. She, as with most mothers have a resume the length of their arm. The duties they carry out and the love they share is all encompassing.

Even though she was raised in a unique family dynamic, and without much demonstrative affection - she showered us four with love. We lived in a clean, small home that was decorated and gardened. We had a miniature zoo grazing about during our entire childhood. Mom was a Den Mother, Little League cheerer and snickerdoodle baker all rolled into one. Even with financial challenges, she had a Christmas savings account so that she might gift us with packages galore. As teens we gave her (and Dad too) a run for their money. She survived this and our family remained whole and in tact. Once her baby was in school she went out into the world to become a modern day working woman. She learned some of the new technologies. She briefly went back to school.

My Mother is a very strong woman. She has had her share of health issues. These problems have been a part of her life for many years. She pushes through it. It makes me sad to even have to mention them in her lifeline. If I could reciprocate a small portion of her care, I would take away all of her aches, pains and woes. She deserves to stand straight, tall and solid - she lives a life to be proud of - with no stooping or teetering allowed.

I am in awe of all that you've done, Mom!